Judge Dredd (1995)R

CapeTentHalf a tent

Okay, I never actually saw the whole thing through from start to finish — I kind of half-watched it, with channel hopping, about three different times. But I can still tell you it was a lousy movie. Has one of the worst cases of Odious Comic Relief of any of these films. Not as intensely excruciating as, say, Chris Tucker as Ruby Rhod in The Fifth Element*, but on screen much longer. Like, half the damn film! And guess what comedy actor it is: Rob Schneider. The man to turn to for those who find Adam Sandler too cerebral.

You’d think Sylvester Stallone would learn not to take roles like this. He’s once again doing the worst sort of inhuman tough-guy generic action hero.

I’m told the original comic had some biting social satire. They left that part out, of course. This film rises only to the level of self-parody.

Stallone got a Worst Actor award from The Stinkers, who also put this film on their list of the 100 worst films of all time.

This film is not without charm for the bad film fan... Stallone’s overthetop toughitude is funnier than Schneider’s attempts at comedy, and the villain is sometimes even better. But you need a mighty thick skin for Schneider not to ruin your fun — that’s why only one and a half tents.

The Fifth Element is almost a film I could review here. It doesn’t have anything to do with any actual comic book, but it’s so much like one that people are constantly using the words “comic book” when talking about the movie. It is, above all else, a very juvenile film — not just the story, but the level of emotional interaction throughout, are geared for a twelve or fourteen year old mindset. The mundane parts of the futuristic future are nicely imagined and constructed — the protagonist’s micro-apartment is both hilarious and all too plausible — and the lead actors are not bad, but everything else is just fuckin' lame. The story is idiotic. One and a half capes, I guess.

But what does John Stanley say?

those bizarre shoulder pads of Judge Dredd couldn’t have been filled better than by Sylvester Stallone... frequently stunning, and always exciting.

Joel Schumacher’s rubber nippled Bat-suit has got nothing on this.